Broken Castle By the Shore

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be anything. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never make something of my life. Sometimes I feel like I’ll always be in debt. Sometimes I feel hopeless.

Today is one of those days where all of my feelings are overwhelming my brain. It’s hard for me to handle and hard for me to explain.

This morning I met with an education counselor. I told her about my plans to leave the nursing program at my local community college and finish my bachelors degree at a state university.

When she showed me everything I just kept thinking to myself, gosh, I’m going to be in debt for a long time. This makes me feel defeated.

I want to save money and move out of my parents house. I want to start my life with my own things, my own space, and my own place. Am I asking too much?

At 24, I feel like I should be out by now. I did live on my own before for two years – once when I was 20-21 and once when I was 22. I spent this whole year living with mom and dad and have only managed to save $600.

That’s pathetic to me. In the beginning of the year I was debt free. I paid my car off this year and paid off my credit cards. I guess I did all of that just to open two new interest free cards. One for a computer for school which doesn’t even work now and one for my trip to San Francisco in March for Wrestlemania.

Both do not have interest for a bit yet, but I feel like I can’t save because I’m spending all of my money trying to pay them before the interest kicks in. Not to mention, I pay my student loan, car insurance, health insurance, rent to my parents, gas, food, and anything else I need for myself like clothes and toiletries.

I guess I just want a place to call my own where I can be free. I want to cook my own meals and not worry about bringing leftovers home to be eaten by another. I want to sit in my living room and watch tv whereas in my parents house, my dad owns the living room.

The problem is, I have a student loan now for classes I don’t even want to be in. I’m trying to make something of my writing and make that my career by getting my four year degree instead of going for nursing. And I’m just so confused.

If I stuck it out and be a nurse working I job I don’t care for, at least I know I’ll be making money. But I don’t want to do that. I want to enjoy what I do. I also however want to be able to live I my own.

I just wish life wasn’t so complicated.

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