A broken castle by the shore. That’s what I feel like right now. I feel like a lump of sand that was once a castle, plopped on the beach all broken and turned to mush.
I think a lot of fathers don’t understand how they affect their daughters. My father and I never got along. There was a time when I really tried, but that is fading fast.
When I was a teenager, maybe thirteen or fourteen, I remember my dad and I getting into a fight about doing the dishes with a sponge. I was looking for a sponge to do them with and he got so mad that I wasn’t doing them yet that he practically lunged over the kitchen table at me. I ran up the stairs and he charged after me. Knowing the upstairs bathroom was the only room upstairs with a door that locked, I scurried into the bathroom and locked the door.
Shaking with tears, the only words I remember from that day are these from my father saying, “I never loved you the way a father should love his daughter.”
I’ll never forget that as long as I live.
Ever.
That must have stuck with me throughout all of my relationships too. Even now that I have a good guy, I still have a hard time believing that he loves me. The sad thing is, I know he does love me with his whole heart. But for some reason I can’t fully believe it. Is it from the relationship I’ve had with my father?
Many psychoanalysts will probably say yes. But I’ve never consulted one and I don’t care to. I don’t see the need to pay someone to tell me why I am the way I am.
Why don’t I agree with men going out without their woman? My dad used to not come home from work and my mom would find his car at ladies houses. Has my dad ever cheated? He claims no, but some would say the proof is in the pudding. He wasn’t the one home with mom when she was crying – my brother and I were though. I saw how he tormented her heart and I’ve tried so hard not to let my heart be tormented by a man like hers was. I see by trying so hard I wound up having it happen anyway. Nonetheless, maybe that’s why I have a hard time believing and trusting people.
I saw a lot as I grew up between my mom and dad. They never should have stayed together. For various reasons they did and I feel somewhat fucked up because of it. But who knows, maybe I’d be more fucked up if they haven’t. I guess everything happens for a reason. At least I learned that I want to give my future children (if I ever have any) a better family life than what my parents gave me.
I’m not saying it was horrible, because I have great memories with my mom and brother and even a few from dad. I guess I would do it differently.
Today I came home and my dad was in the kitchen. I looked at him and he looked at me. I smiled and laughed trying to make it not so awkward. He just looked at me with his ice blue eyes.
“What?” I said.
He looked at me even colder and replied, “Why don’t you just stay with that kid. You’re nothing but a disturbance here.”
Another line to add to the things I never forget my dad saying to me.
Moral of this post: You never know how powerful words really are.
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