You read it right. A few years ago I cut all ties with my best friend because she knew too much. All of my deepest, darkest secrets I confided in her and trusted her not to tell anyone.
She was my best friend. I went everywhere with her and told her everything. It all changed a few years ago when I met some guy. Slowly over time, I forgot all about my best friend, rarely talking to her or telling her about the peril I was facing in this toxic relationship.
About a year into that same toxic relationship, the guy found a bunch of old pictures of me partying with my friends and having fun. They were from almost two years before the time of him scouring my computer and finding them.
He immediately freaked out, questioning me and my integrity as a person saying that I was disgusting for ever being “that way”. Immediately, I knew nothing from my past was safe. I knew that if he found my best friend I would really be in for it.
So what did I do? What any other brainwashed girl in an abusive relationship would do. I destroyed my best friend. I ripped out all of her pages and sent them to the shredder. All of the moments I wasn’t so proud of I destroyed.
My journal was a part of me for my entire life. I took it everywhere and wrote in it almost daily, sometimes even two or three times. My journal kept all of my secrets and knew the discrete details of my life that I’m not so proud to admit to anyone and quite frankly, never have.
I refer to my journal as my best friend because I remember writing in it like I was talking to my best friend. For example, “Did I tell you that this happened the other day? When I went to school . . .”
You get the picture. I guess I never had a life-long best friend because I always confided in my journal. I never needed anyone else. Also, through writing I was able to sort out messes in my head and be my complete self. More importantly, I could say exactly what I wanted without fear of judgement.
When I was in that toxic relationship, I was so afraid of him judging me and thinking I was a bad person because of my past. I destroyed my journal and all the pictures I had of myself being anything less of a perfect role model because I didn’t want him to make me feel like less of a person.
This is so wrong on so many levels. Ladies (and gents), please, NEVER COMPROMISE YOURSELF FOR ANYONE! EVER!
Because I did just that, I lost the pages that documented my life. Also during those two years, I completely lost myself. I couldn’t identify with anything except what he wanted me to be.
In hindsight, I can’t believe I ever let myself succumb to that. Regardless, I did, and I’ve recently decided to take up my beloved journaling once again. I thought it was something really powerful that I need to share and actually came to that realization while journaling. Part of this post is taken from the particular journal entry that inspired me.
I hope you found this post to be inspiring too. Have you ever given up something you loved for the wrong reasons? Were you ever pressured to change who you are? Have you ever wanted to erase your past to “fit” the description someone else has for you?
A word of advice is just walk away from those people or situations with your head held high. Never let anyone make you feel like you are inferior. You are truly unique and beautiful just the way you are.
In closing, be proud of who you are and where you’ve come from. Your past doesn’t define you and anyone who says it does is just running from theirs.