The Journey WIthin

Last night I was typing up what I thought to be a really great post for all of you. Unfortunately, I pressed the shift key to capitalize my next sentence and the entire post deleted right before my eyes. I was devastated to say the least. After proofing this one, I’m confident that I have delivered to all of you something even better than that last post and I’m so happy to share this with you all.

So without further a due, here it is: The Journey Within.

I wanted to take this time to share a few things with all of you. Yesterday at work I had one hell of a day. I could feel myself in my desk chair ready to snap like a rubber band that has been stretched passed its capacity. To keep it simple, my job has really been taking a toll on me.

During my lunch yesterday I decided to read some of my 40 Days to Personal Revolution book to clam my mind. What I found was not only profound, but completely astounding to me. The “ah-ha” moment happened for sure.

I’d like to share with you now two of the passages that really hit me where I needed to feel it.

“It is simply the willingness to see in full truthfulness what we need to face within ourselves and our lives so that we may get into right alignment.” – Baron Baptiste, 40 Days to Personal Revolution

This hit me harder than when Triple H hit Shawn Michaels in the back with a sledgehammer at the 2002 Summer Slam street-fight match.

Years prior to today, I would try to mask the truth from myself. I couldn’t make a decision about my life to save it. Was the relationship I was in at the time toxic? (Yes!) Was it good for me? (Hell no!) Should I pursue my BA Degree in Journalism? (Yes). Should I go to nursing school even though I hated my career as a Certified Nurses Aid? (Why would you if you already know you don’t like it?) Should I just stay out of school all together? (That’s what your relationship at the time drilled into your head.)

All of these things and much more would fill my brain as I’d lay awake at night restless and miserable. What I am seeing now is that my head was so clouded with so many things that I couldn’t see my path. I wasn’t ready to accept the truth and see situations for what they were. That was partly because of having so many things jumbled in my brain, but also because I felt the need to make everyone else happy. That was not leading me down a clear path.

The path I was on was covered in shrubs, dead trees, and darkness. I felt I had no light to lead me, nor any clarity on any one thing. It took a long series of events for me to see I was doing it all wrong and now I’m proud to say I am out of that toxic relationship and in a new awesome relationship where my opinions are valued and I am loved. I am pursing my BA Degree in Journalism at a State University and have left the nursing profession all together.

In the last year my life has taken a turn for the better and I couldn’t be more grateful. Now I feel I am on a clear path. The best part of this is, the path is clear only to what is in front of my at the moment. The rest of the path is unknown and I’m more than okay with that. I’m not saying it will always be this way, but for this moment, I’m so happy to have this realization and it brings me even more joy to share it with all of you. I love you all for your endless support and encouragement.

The second and final thing I wanted to share with you is this other quote from Baron’s book, 40 Days to Personal Revolution. It reads: “control freaks are usually insomniacs – they can’t let go.”

Coming from one fellow control freak, that statement is right on the money. My need to constantly try to figure out the next steps and keep everything “the way it should be” was making me lose touch with the present moment. I was forgetting how to be happy with what was. I was losing myself. I feel I’ve come a long way from a year ago, but these are things I still struggle with.

Like I said before, I’m happy on my path right now only seeing what’s in front of me. However, sometimes I do get curious and try to see what’s over the hill and far, far away. Nonetheless, thank the powers that be for this amazing transformation thus far.

What I’m working on now within myself is really learning to let go. I don’t want to be burdened by the past, nor hindered by the future or what I try to predict the future to be. The bottom line is right now is all that matters. It’s all we have. The present moment is the only thing that is true even though it is fleeting.

Like Mike Ness from Social Distortion sings in Reach for the Sky:

“So if you please take this moment,Try if you can make it last
Don’t think about no future and just forget about the past..”

I hope this was as exciting for you all to read as it was for me to write (even the second time around). May the world bring you joy and everything that is good.

Namaste.

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The Power of Words

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A broken castle by the shore. That’s what I feel like right now. I feel like a lump of sand that was once a castle, plopped on the beach all broken and turned to mush.

I think a lot of fathers don’t understand how they affect their daughters. My father and I never got along. There was a time when I really tried, but that is fading fast.

When I was a teenager, maybe thirteen or fourteen, I remember my dad and I getting into a fight about doing the dishes with a sponge. I was looking for a sponge to do them with and he got so mad that I wasn’t doing them yet that he practically lunged over the kitchen table at me. I ran up the stairs and he charged after me. Knowing the upstairs bathroom was the only room upstairs with a door that locked, I scurried into the bathroom and locked the door.

Shaking with tears, the only words I remember from that day are these from my father saying, “I never loved you the way a father should love his daughter.”

I’ll never forget that as long as I live.

Ever.

That must have stuck with me throughout all of my relationships too. Even now that I have a good guy, I still have a hard time believing that he loves me. The sad thing is, I know he does love me with his whole heart. But for some reason I can’t fully believe it. Is it from the relationship I’ve had with my father?

Many psychoanalysts will probably say yes. But I’ve never consulted one and I don’t care to. I don’t see the need to pay someone to tell me why I am the way I am.

Why don’t I agree with men going out without their woman? My dad used to not come home from work and my mom would find his car at ladies houses. Has my dad ever cheated? He claims no, but some would say the proof is in the pudding. He wasn’t the one home with mom when she was crying – my brother and I were though. I saw how he tormented her heart and I’ve tried so hard not to let my heart be tormented by a man like hers was. I see by trying so hard I wound up having it happen anyway. Nonetheless, maybe that’s why I have a hard time believing and trusting people.

I saw a lot as I grew up between my mom and dad. They never should have stayed together. For various reasons they did and I feel somewhat fucked up because of it. But who knows, maybe I’d be more fucked up if they haven’t. I guess everything happens for a reason. At least I learned that I want to give my future children (if I ever have any) a better family life than what my parents gave me.

I’m not saying it was horrible, because I have great memories with my mom and brother and even a few from dad. I guess I would do it differently.

Today I came home and my dad was in the kitchen. I looked at him and he looked at me. I smiled and laughed trying to make it not so awkward. He just looked at me with his ice blue eyes.

“What?” I said.

He looked at me even colder and replied, “Why don’t you just stay with that kid. You’re nothing but a disturbance here.”

Another line to add to the things I never forget my dad saying to me.

Moral of this post: You never know how powerful words really are.

Broken Castle By the Shore

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be anything. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never make something of my life. Sometimes I feel like I’ll always be in debt. Sometimes I feel hopeless.

Today is one of those days where all of my feelings are overwhelming my brain. It’s hard for me to handle and hard for me to explain.

This morning I met with an education counselor. I told her about my plans to leave the nursing program at my local community college and finish my bachelors degree at a state university.

When she showed me everything I just kept thinking to myself, gosh, I’m going to be in debt for a long time. This makes me feel defeated.

I want to save money and move out of my parents house. I want to start my life with my own things, my own space, and my own place. Am I asking too much?

At 24, I feel like I should be out by now. I did live on my own before for two years – once when I was 20-21 and once when I was 22. I spent this whole year living with mom and dad and have only managed to save $600.

That’s pathetic to me. In the beginning of the year I was debt free. I paid my car off this year and paid off my credit cards. I guess I did all of that just to open two new interest free cards. One for a computer for school which doesn’t even work now and one for my trip to San Francisco in March for Wrestlemania.

Both do not have interest for a bit yet, but I feel like I can’t save because I’m spending all of my money trying to pay them before the interest kicks in. Not to mention, I pay my student loan, car insurance, health insurance, rent to my parents, gas, food, and anything else I need for myself like clothes and toiletries.

I guess I just want a place to call my own where I can be free. I want to cook my own meals and not worry about bringing leftovers home to be eaten by another. I want to sit in my living room and watch tv whereas in my parents house, my dad owns the living room.

The problem is, I have a student loan now for classes I don’t even want to be in. I’m trying to make something of my writing and make that my career by getting my four year degree instead of going for nursing. And I’m just so confused.

If I stuck it out and be a nurse working I job I don’t care for, at least I know I’ll be making money. But I don’t want to do that. I want to enjoy what I do. I also however want to be able to live I my own.

I just wish life wasn’t so complicated.

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The Value of College Education

 

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The value of a college education seems to have depleted dramatically over the last few years, leaving many college graduates disgruntled without a job and in debt with no money to offer to their student loans. I, myself, believe I am wasting my money every day I go to class. Let me explain why.

Maybe your college experience was/is different. For me, I find myself sitting in classes wondering what the point of higher education is. Maybe it’s because I’m at a community college rather than a university, but I can sure tell you the quality of  my education has gone down hill.

I graduated from my local community college in 2012 with an Associates of Applied Science in Journalism and Media Writing. When I was taking classes for that degree in 2008-2010, I really saw the value in the education I was receiving for my core classes. Maybe it’s because I really cared about what I was doing. However, that all changed in 2011 when I went back part time to finish my degree’s general education courses.

Teachers were dry, lackluster, and didn’t show interest in helping a student struggling. I had an economics class that I struggled in very much. The problem was, when I approached my teacher with any problem or confusion, he didn’t care to help me. That’s the problem with two of  my teachers this semester (I am now a general studies with a concentration in nursing student). I’m not saying they won’t help you. I’m saying that they make you feel like it’s a burden for them when you don’t understand something the first time around.

Now, before people who are teachers and what not start getting all defensive, not all teachers are this way. I have two teachers this semester who are very wonderful when it comes to helping students with questions. My other two teachers however, are not so helpful. I have an online chemistry class this semester which is difficult enough in itself. I had a question on our first assignment so I emailed my professor. I have yet to get a reply. I sent that email in the beginning of September and it is now the middle of October.

My other teacher seems like a very nice person, but she’s just way too busy to be a teacher. Clearly she has too much on her plate. Every class she is between 10-20 minutes late. Also, every class she spends some unreasonable amount of time on her phone whether it be texting or an actual phone call. For example, last night during our test review, she took a 15  minute phone call after coming to class 20 minutes late and taking an additional 10 minutes to settle in and start class.  Not to mention, she has a really unconventional way of teaching. She uses examples to try to make learning concepts easier, but it usually is just more confusing. And she seems very “I’m just here to supplement my income”, which is why I think she has such a poor teaching style. Did I mention she’s very young, as well?

All of this makes me wonder why I took out a loan for school and why I have developed a bad attitude towards my classes. Why am I paying for this?  What kills me is that I want to learn. I could see if I was just filling a seat, but I truly love learning and want to learn. The problem is that I don’t feel I’m given the opportunity to in some classes. I feel like I’m only responsible for getting a grade rather than learning the information presented. Perhaps, that’s just my school, although, I didn’t have this type of problem in my journalism classes.

I think that the teachers see me as one of those kids who doesn’t about education. They have me all wrong. When they show me they don’t care, that’s when I see red and decide not caring is better for me. Caring when they don’t results in me being even more frustrated and unhappy. So what do I do? Just pretend I understand concepts and try to skate through the tests the best I can.

In my opinion, that’s very sad. I’m a student who wants to learn. Instead, I’m left disgusted by this and disappointed my decision to re-enroll at my local community college. For next semester, I’m looking into transferring to a state university to finish my degree in journalism rather than continue what I’m doing at the community college. Maybe I’ll have a different experience with a new school.

In retrospect, I see that I am very upset about the price I pay vs the actual education I’m receiving. Have any of you felt like this or similar? Or maybe you have had the complete opposite experience I have had. Either way, I’d love to hear your story and your perspective on this topic!

 

Photo by Angel Walck

 

 

Confessions of a Twenty-Four-Year Old

Confusion.

Aggravation.

Starkness.

I thought life was meant to enjoy. I’m stuck in a whirlwind of disarray. I’m lost, confused, and disgusted with society, school, and work politics. Does it ever change?

At twenty-four, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. However, I’m still as lost as I was at eighteen. Maybe even more lost.

It all started when I had difficulty finding a job with my journalism degree. I didn’t want to peruse more of a degree without a job in the field, so I went to get certified as a nurses aid. I’ve worked in that profession for two years now and I must say, it’s just not for me.

With that said, you may be scratching your head wondering why I’m currently perusing nursing as my career. It’s okay, I am too. The reasons why I made that choice are a whole post for another day. Nonetheless, I find myself constantly in limbo with dropping out of the RN program at my local community college and finishing my four year degree in journalism.

Each day, I have a new solution to the questions in my head. One day I tell myself I’m sticking it out. The next day I’m hell bent on dropping out. This cycle is vicious and tormenting to my brain.

Something that has really been making my decision very clear is the song Simple Man. The line in particular that has been opening my eyes is:

“Don’t you worry. You’ll find yourself. Follow your heart and nothing else.”

My heart wants to write. My goal in life is to enjoy my days one moment at a time. My mind is just about made up to drop out of nursing school and follow my passion and my dreams.

The only problem is, is that I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll regret the decision later if I don’t find a job writing. I’m scared of what society will paint me as to others. (I know I shouldn’t even care about that!) I’m afraid of letting myself down in the future.

I want to set up a stable future for myself, but at the same time I feel like the present is more important because the future is not guaranteed. Also, I just don’t want to be in a career that does not fulfill me.

Can anyone relate to this? Please share with me your struggles no matter what your age. It’s important to me to know I’m not alone in this and that other people are just as lost as me.

Let’s be lost together and enjoy this beautiful ride we call life.

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Photo by: Manuel Rojas
Casperdesign.net