The Journey WIthin

Last night I was typing up what I thought to be a really great post for all of you. Unfortunately, I pressed the shift key to capitalize my next sentence and the entire post deleted right before my eyes. I was devastated to say the least. After proofing this one, I’m confident that I have delivered to all of you something even better than that last post and I’m so happy to share this with you all.

So without further a due, here it is: The Journey Within.

I wanted to take this time to share a few things with all of you. Yesterday at work I had one hell of a day. I could feel myself in my desk chair ready to snap like a rubber band that has been stretched passed its capacity. To keep it simple, my job has really been taking a toll on me.

During my lunch yesterday I decided to read some of my 40 Days to Personal Revolution book to clam my mind. What I found was not only profound, but completely astounding to me. The “ah-ha” moment happened for sure.

I’d like to share with you now two of the passages that really hit me where I needed to feel it.

“It is simply the willingness to see in full truthfulness what we need to face within ourselves and our lives so that we may get into right alignment.” – Baron Baptiste, 40 Days to Personal Revolution

This hit me harder than when Triple H hit Shawn Michaels in the back with a sledgehammer at the 2002 Summer Slamย street-fight match.

Years prior to today, I would try to mask the truth from myself. I couldn’t make a decision about my life to save it. Was the relationship I was in at the time toxic? (Yes!) Was it good for me? (Hell no!) Should I pursue my BA Degree in Journalism? (Yes). Should I go to nursing school even though I hated my career as a Certified Nurses Aid? (Why would you if you already know you don’t like it?) Should I just stay out of school all together? (That’s what your relationship at the time drilled into your head.)

All of these things and much more would fill my brain as I’d lay awake at night restless and miserable. What I am seeing now is that my head was so clouded with so many things that I couldn’t see my path. I wasn’t ready to accept the truth and see situations for what they were. That was partly because of having so many things jumbled in my brain, but also becauseย I felt the need to make everyone else happy. That was not leading me down a clear path.

The path I was on was covered in shrubs, dead trees, and darkness. I felt I had no light to lead me, nor any clarity on any one thing. It took a long series of events for me to see I was doing it all wrong and now I’m proud to say I am out of that toxic relationship and in a new awesome relationship where my opinions are valued and I am loved. I am pursing my BA Degree in Journalism at a State University and have left the nursing profession all together.

In the last year my life has taken a turn for the better and I couldn’t be more grateful. Now I feel I am on a clear path. The best part of this is, the path is clear only to what is in front of my at the moment. The rest of the path is unknown and I’m more than okay with that. I’m not saying it will always be this way, but for this moment, I’m so happy to have this realization and it brings me even more joy to share it with all of you. I love you all for your endless support and encouragement.

The second and final thing I wanted to share with you is this other quote from Baron’s book, 40 Days to Personal Revolution. It reads: “control freaks are usually insomniacs – they can’t let go.”

Coming from one fellow control freak, that statement is right on the money. My need to constantly try to figure out the next steps and keep everything “the way it should be” was making me lose touch with the present moment. I was forgetting how to be happy with what was. I was losing myself. I feel I’ve come a long way from a year ago, but these are things I still struggle with.

Like I said before, I’m happy on my path right now only seeing what’s in front of me. However, sometimes I do get curious and try to see what’s over the hill and far, far away. Nonetheless, thank the powers that be for this amazing transformation thus far.

What I’m working on now within myself is really learning to let go. I don’t want to be burdened by the past, nor hindered by the future or what I try to predict the future to be. The bottom line is right now is all that matters. It’s all we have. The present moment is the only thing that is true even though it is fleeting.

Like Mike Ness from Social Distortion sings in Reach for the Sky:

“So if you please take this moment,Try if you can make it last
Don’t think about no future and just forget about the past..”

I hope this was as exciting for you all to read as it was for me to write (even the second time around). May the world bring you joy and everything that is good.

Namaste.

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The Power of Words

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A broken castle by the shore. That’s what I feel like right now. I feel like a lump of sand that was once a castle, plopped on the beach all broken and turned to mush.

I think a lot of fathers don’t understand how they affect their daughters. My father and I never got along. There was a time when I really tried, but that is fading fast.

When I was a teenager, maybe thirteen or fourteen, I remember my dad and I getting into a fight about doing the dishes with a sponge. I was looking for a sponge to do them with and he got so mad that I wasn’t doing them yet that he practically lunged over the kitchen table at me. I ran up the stairs and he charged after me. Knowing the upstairs bathroom was the only room upstairs with a door that locked, I scurried into the bathroom and locked the door.

Shaking with tears, the only words I remember from that day are these from my father saying, “I never loved you the way a father should love his daughter.”

I’ll never forget that as long as I live.

Ever.

That must have stuck with me throughout all of my relationships too. Even now that I have a good guy, I still have a hard time believing that he loves me. The sad thing is, I know he does love me with his whole heart. But for some reason I can’t fully believe it. Is it from the relationship I’ve had with my father?

Many psychoanalysts will probably say yes. But I’ve never consulted one and I don’t care to. I don’t see the need to pay someone to tell me why I am the way I am.

Why don’t I agree with men going out without their woman? My dad used to not come home from work and my mom would find his car at ladies houses. Has my dad ever cheated? He claims no, but some would say the proof is in the pudding. He wasn’t the one home with mom when she was crying – my brother and I were though. I saw how he tormented her heart and I’ve tried so hard not to let my heart be tormented by a man like hers was. I see by trying so hard I wound up having it happen anyway. Nonetheless, maybe that’s why I have a hard time believing and trusting people.

I saw a lot as I grew up between my mom and dad. They never should have stayed together. For various reasons they did and I feel somewhat fucked up because of it. But who knows, maybe I’d be more fucked up if they haven’t. I guess everything happens for a reason. At least I learned that I want to give my future children (if I ever have any) a better family life than what my parents gave me.

I’m not saying it was horrible, because I have great memories with my mom and brother and even a few from dad. I guess I would do it differently.

Today I came home and my dad was in the kitchen. I looked at him and he looked at me. I smiled and laughed trying to make it not so awkward. He just looked at me with his ice blue eyes.

“What?” I said.

He looked at me even colder and replied, “Why don’t you just stay with that kid. You’re nothing but a disturbance here.”

Another line to add to the things I never forget my dad saying to me.

Moral of this post: You never know how powerful words really are.

It’s Those Unspoken Moments

We’ve all had them. Those moments where everything is crystal clear without having to say anything. For some, they may happen more often than for others, nonetheless, you have the idea of what I mean.
What’s promoting me to write this is a special event that took place last night in my brother’s room. He shared with me some music he’s been writing and let me tell you, it was amazing. Now I’m not just saying that because he’s my brother – I genuinely see his gift and talent and I just want him to be able to share it with the world so everyone can appreciate his art.
“You really need to find a band that will let you showcase your talents,” I said. “You shouldn’t be playing this here in your room just for me – you should be playing it in an arena for the world to hear.”
The look on his face was priceless. The sheer smile he was trying to hide. The glittering his eyes were illuminating. In that moment I could see I touched his heart more than he wanted to say. Lucky for me, his face said it all (and I think he knew that).
“Thanks,” he replied while taking in my words.
In those moments, I saw the love my brother and I have for each other and I realized no matter where life takes us or how far apart we may seem, we will always have that love. Like it or not, we’re bound for life by a brother/sister bond, and I could not have picked a better soul to be my brother.

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Have you had moments like this? Share down below! Thanks and have a great day!! ๐Ÿ™‚