To The Guy who Called Me An A**Hole

Today I decided to drive to a health food store to see what kind of goodies they had. I was at this particular store once before and thought I knew where it was.
As I drove into town I realized I wasn’t so sure. I pulled up to a red light and tried to say the name of the place to my phone to get directions. As usual, it picked up nothing near the health food store’s name I was trying to reach.
I decided to try to type the name of the store quickly and as I was I heard yelling from the car next to me, “Hey asshole! Get off the phone!”
I looked at him, saw the light was green, and drove away. At first I felt hurt but quickly realized that he was right. I was an asshole for doing that.
Not only was I not paying attention to the road, I was jeopardizing my life and the lives of others even though it was only at a red light.
The moral of today’s story is that it’s not cool at all to be on your phone even at a red light, even if you’re just trying to find directions, even if you’re taking a call. Just don’t do it.
Thank you to the guy who made me aware. I don’t know who you are and even though you called me an asshole, you were right.

Thank You!

Hello my lovely readers!

Today is a very special day. At the start of this month I set a goal for myself to reach 300 views throughout the month. With two days to spare I’m so proud to share with you that with your help, my goal was reached.

I thank you all for the support you have been giving me and it’s with my deepest gratitude that I say without you, this never could have happened.

When I turned 20 my life was almost taken from me by the hands of another. By the time I turned 21, I found myself starting what would turn out the be the worst two and a half years of my life. Regardless of everything else that happened in that time frame, the biggest thing that I believe contributed to my misery was that I gave up writing.

I threw the towel in. I closed up shop. I didn’t do it for me. I did it partly out of fear and partly because I couldn’t even be honest with myself. At that time I was so confused and in a very unhealthy, toxic relationship. I was trying to give love and be loved when the only thing I ever really loved I had given up; and that was writing.

There it was – my passion, my heart, my soul – all shriveled up and seemingly lifeless. I thought I lost my love for good.

Some time following, I ended that toxic relationship and began fresh, starting with my number one love: writing. I started this blog as a place to express myself after being silenced for two and a half years. Creating this safe space to rediscover my voice not only in my writing, but also in myself was the only thing I ever thought I would get from this blog.

As time passed, my blog has evolved just like I have. It is a part of me now and more than just a place to write and discover myself. This blog, I feel, is a work of art that all of you helped support over the last year.

You have watched me blossom, and I must say without this outlet, I don’t know that I ever would have realized that my path lies in writing. For that, I’m forever grateful to all of you who have been there to read about what I have to say – and those of you who have encouraged me along the way – I can not place a value on the support and encouragement you have all shown and continue to show me.

To my man, thank you for encouraging not only this blog, but also my continued education to obtain my BA Degree in journalism. You have been such a breath of fresh air to my withered lungs. My gratitude to you and appreciation for you grows more and more every day just as my love for you. Thank you for showing me that it’s not wrong to chase my dreams.

To all of my followers and loyal readers, I have some little writing treats in store for you in the very near future to show you my appreciation and to thank you for your continued support.

I can’t wait to see what the month of February brings! Much love and appreciation for you all!

Angel aka TheGirlDish

IMG_2841

The Journey WIthin

Last night I was typing up what I thought to be a really great post for all of you. Unfortunately, I pressed the shift key to capitalize my next sentence and the entire post deleted right before my eyes. I was devastated to say the least. After proofing this one, I’m confident that I have delivered to all of you something even better than that last post and I’m so happy to share this with you all.

So without further a due, here it is: The Journey Within.

I wanted to take this time to share a few things with all of you. Yesterday at work I had one hell of a day. I could feel myself in my desk chair ready to snap like a rubber band that has been stretched passed its capacity. To keep it simple, my job has really been taking a toll on me.

During my lunch yesterday I decided to read some of my 40 Days to Personal Revolution book to clam my mind. What I found was not only profound, but completely astounding to me. The “ah-ha” moment happened for sure.

I’d like to share with you now two of the passages that really hit me where I needed to feel it.

“It is simply the willingness to see in full truthfulness what we need to face within ourselves and our lives so that we may get into right alignment.” – Baron Baptiste, 40 Days to Personal Revolution

This hit me harder than when Triple H hit Shawn Michaels in the back with a sledgehammer at the 2002 Summer Slam street-fight match.

Years prior to today, I would try to mask the truth from myself. I couldn’t make a decision about my life to save it. Was the relationship I was in at the time toxic? (Yes!) Was it good for me? (Hell no!) Should I pursue my BA Degree in Journalism? (Yes). Should I go to nursing school even though I hated my career as a Certified Nurses Aid? (Why would you if you already know you don’t like it?) Should I just stay out of school all together? (That’s what your relationship at the time drilled into your head.)

All of these things and much more would fill my brain as I’d lay awake at night restless and miserable. What I am seeing now is that my head was so clouded with so many things that I couldn’t see my path. I wasn’t ready to accept the truth and see situations for what they were. That was partly because of having so many things jumbled in my brain, but also because I felt the need to make everyone else happy. That was not leading me down a clear path.

The path I was on was covered in shrubs, dead trees, and darkness. I felt I had no light to lead me, nor any clarity on any one thing. It took a long series of events for me to see I was doing it all wrong and now I’m proud to say I am out of that toxic relationship and in a new awesome relationship where my opinions are valued and I am loved. I am pursing my BA Degree in Journalism at a State University and have left the nursing profession all together.

In the last year my life has taken a turn for the better and I couldn’t be more grateful. Now I feel I am on a clear path. The best part of this is, the path is clear only to what is in front of my at the moment. The rest of the path is unknown and I’m more than okay with that. I’m not saying it will always be this way, but for this moment, I’m so happy to have this realization and it brings me even more joy to share it with all of you. I love you all for your endless support and encouragement.

The second and final thing I wanted to share with you is this other quote from Baron’s book, 40 Days to Personal Revolution. It reads: “control freaks are usually insomniacs – they can’t let go.”

Coming from one fellow control freak, that statement is right on the money. My need to constantly try to figure out the next steps and keep everything “the way it should be” was making me lose touch with the present moment. I was forgetting how to be happy with what was. I was losing myself. I feel I’ve come a long way from a year ago, but these are things I still struggle with.

Like I said before, I’m happy on my path right now only seeing what’s in front of me. However, sometimes I do get curious and try to see what’s over the hill and far, far away. Nonetheless, thank the powers that be for this amazing transformation thus far.

What I’m working on now within myself is really learning to let go. I don’t want to be burdened by the past, nor hindered by the future or what I try to predict the future to be. The bottom line is right now is all that matters. It’s all we have. The present moment is the only thing that is true even though it is fleeting.

Like Mike Ness from Social Distortion sings in Reach for the Sky:

“So if you please take this moment,Try if you can make it last
Don’t think about no future and just forget about the past..”

I hope this was as exciting for you all to read as it was for me to write (even the second time around). May the world bring you joy and everything that is good.

Namaste.

2015/01/img_27131.jpg

An Attitude of Gratitude

I was reading this post by Jess J today http://jessj.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/2015-love/ about her version of a “new years resolution”. What she does is she has a word of the year, or as she calls it she’ll, “set an intention” (which I love, by the way). We are taught in yoga to set an intention at the beginning of each practice and I love that she worded it that way in her blog. Anyway, she goes on to talk about her intention for 2015. I’m not going to explain all of it because I think you should all give it a read – wonderful post – so you can check that out.

What I decided was to take a similar approach with my 2015 “resolution”. My initial resolution is to blog every day on wordpress. If it’s something I don’t feel comfortable sharing, then I decided I would write it in my journal. So there’s that.

However, here is what I’m going to be focusing on in 2015: GRATITUDE.

Now it took me a little while to decide on gratitude. At first I was thinking love like Jess J. But I then I realized I complain way too much. I really do complain a lot. Sometimes it’s about work, home, money, ect… and I think right now is the time to stop.

What intention can I set to minimize my complaining? Appreciation came to my mind. I decided I should probably look it up because “gratitude” was also rolling around in my thoughts.

I opened my dictionary.com app and typed in appreciation. Here’s what I found:

IMG_2664

Now it looks good at first. Then I read #2. “the act of estimating the qualities of things and giving them their proper value.”

I give things value (or lack there of), however, giving things their “proper” value is something I am not good for obviously because of my complaining (and other reasons). For example, I can see myself and see no value, whereas someone else can find value in me. Another example that came to me as I looked this up and mulled it over in my mind was living with my parents. I DO NOT find much value living at home as a 24 year old adult. However, one might suggest having a roof over their head is something of great value and something to appreciate. So that’s when I decided appreciation was the wrong word for me to focus on in 2015.

When I came to that realization, I decided to look up gratitude. This is what it said:

IMG_2665

This is exactly what I want to focus on. I need to start having gratitude and being thankful for the things I have in life rather than COMPLAIN about them and wish they were different. Yoga is helping teach me to be happy in the present and also helping me be grateful. An attitude of gratitude is definitely what I need to focus on in 2015.

What is your new year’s resolution or something your going to work on for 2015?

 

Closing in on 2014

Well a lot has happened this year. I moved back home with my parents, started a relationship with my love, started yoga, started nursing school, dropped out of nursing school, enrolled to finish my bachelor’s degree, and started this blog.
I’m happy with my reflection of this year and I’m excited to start a new year.
Best of everything to you and yours this new year.
Thank you to all of you who come here and read little pieces of my life.

image

The Power of Words

IMG_2591

A broken castle by the shore. That’s what I feel like right now. I feel like a lump of sand that was once a castle, plopped on the beach all broken and turned to mush.

I think a lot of fathers don’t understand how they affect their daughters. My father and I never got along. There was a time when I really tried, but that is fading fast.

When I was a teenager, maybe thirteen or fourteen, I remember my dad and I getting into a fight about doing the dishes with a sponge. I was looking for a sponge to do them with and he got so mad that I wasn’t doing them yet that he practically lunged over the kitchen table at me. I ran up the stairs and he charged after me. Knowing the upstairs bathroom was the only room upstairs with a door that locked, I scurried into the bathroom and locked the door.

Shaking with tears, the only words I remember from that day are these from my father saying, “I never loved you the way a father should love his daughter.”

I’ll never forget that as long as I live.

Ever.

That must have stuck with me throughout all of my relationships too. Even now that I have a good guy, I still have a hard time believing that he loves me. The sad thing is, I know he does love me with his whole heart. But for some reason I can’t fully believe it. Is it from the relationship I’ve had with my father?

Many psychoanalysts will probably say yes. But I’ve never consulted one and I don’t care to. I don’t see the need to pay someone to tell me why I am the way I am.

Why don’t I agree with men going out without their woman? My dad used to not come home from work and my mom would find his car at ladies houses. Has my dad ever cheated? He claims no, but some would say the proof is in the pudding. He wasn’t the one home with mom when she was crying – my brother and I were though. I saw how he tormented her heart and I’ve tried so hard not to let my heart be tormented by a man like hers was. I see by trying so hard I wound up having it happen anyway. Nonetheless, maybe that’s why I have a hard time believing and trusting people.

I saw a lot as I grew up between my mom and dad. They never should have stayed together. For various reasons they did and I feel somewhat fucked up because of it. But who knows, maybe I’d be more fucked up if they haven’t. I guess everything happens for a reason. At least I learned that I want to give my future children (if I ever have any) a better family life than what my parents gave me.

I’m not saying it was horrible, because I have great memories with my mom and brother and even a few from dad. I guess I would do it differently.

Today I came home and my dad was in the kitchen. I looked at him and he looked at me. I smiled and laughed trying to make it not so awkward. He just looked at me with his ice blue eyes.

“What?” I said.

He looked at me even colder and replied, “Why don’t you just stay with that kid. You’re nothing but a disturbance here.”

Another line to add to the things I never forget my dad saying to me.

Moral of this post: You never know how powerful words really are.

It’s Those Unspoken Moments

We’ve all had them. Those moments where everything is crystal clear without having to say anything. For some, they may happen more often than for others, nonetheless, you have the idea of what I mean.
What’s promoting me to write this is a special event that took place last night in my brother’s room. He shared with me some music he’s been writing and let me tell you, it was amazing. Now I’m not just saying that because he’s my brother – I genuinely see his gift and talent and I just want him to be able to share it with the world so everyone can appreciate his art.
“You really need to find a band that will let you showcase your talents,” I said. “You shouldn’t be playing this here in your room just for me – you should be playing it in an arena for the world to hear.”
The look on his face was priceless. The sheer smile he was trying to hide. The glittering his eyes were illuminating. In that moment I could see I touched his heart more than he wanted to say. Lucky for me, his face said it all (and I think he knew that).
“Thanks,” he replied while taking in my words.
In those moments, I saw the love my brother and I have for each other and I realized no matter where life takes us or how far apart we may seem, we will always have that love. Like it or not, we’re bound for life by a brother/sister bond, and I could not have picked a better soul to be my brother.

IMG_2382.JPG

Have you had moments like this? Share down below! Thanks and have a great day!! 🙂